Stir the embers; they burst into flame

Stir your heart and mind; you arise and transcend

“You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment. Fools stand on their island opportunities and look toward another land. There is no other land, there is no other life but this.” ~Henry David Thoreau

Chef Natasha

I think I am pretty awesome. Today I made Balsamic and Fig glazed brussel sprouts....which were delicious... If you don't like brussel sprouts I guarantee I could change your mind with these.

I also roasted a yellow, Anaheim, and green pepper from my mother's garden. I peeled them and cut them up into pieces. I then mixed those in with black beans, corn, hot sauce, and quinoa... and with that mix I am going to make little cakes (similar to corn cakes I suppose but healthier).

I also made a raw kale salad, with black beans, mom's homemade habenero salsa, fresh tomatoe from her garden, avocado, lemon juice, and olive oil. That was tasty as well!!!

My favorite is a lentil, tomatoe, garbanzo bean, pine nut couscous mix...... that stuff I could eat a whole pot full....mmmmmm....

Not too shabby for a white girl I say.... not too shabby.....

This man is EVIL. evil genius.

http://saltlakecity.craigslist.org/zip/1975273250.html

It all started with the mysterious disappearance of one (just 1) nursing school Dansko shoe.... and then look what happens!!!! An innocent shoe is being held hostage on Craigslist with deadly explosive devices used in ungodly wars such as VIETNAM!!!! This isn't Nam this is BOWLING! Don't be fooled by the "free" sign.... he's out to make a killing. This criminal needs to be handcuffed to a pole and punished accordingly. With lashings...

The pentagon reports the Swiss Army is preparing their Nutella covered knives as we speak...

What would Paul Newman do? I know what the Dude would do.

He'd go bowling. Thank you for being a part of this mind dump.

The Vintage Shop Hop

You.

There's a ghost in my bed
she cries in her sleep
she says I won't let her leave
I lie perfectly still
as she stifles her tears
I don't want to disturb her

'Let go, let go - please let me be
Look at the ghost you've made of me'

Dusk dropped her starry gown
I whispered out
"Sweetie, are you here with me?"
the mirror crashed on the dresser
and she began to scream
"Bloody murderer! Let me rest in peace!"
"When I was yours, you fled the scene,
now you can't wash your hands of me."

Bloody murder
You can't hear the screams

So maybe...

So maybe I bought a camera that can be converted into an instant camera and some really cool lenses and film that go along with...and so maybe I bought a little Buddha to put on my floor in the cushy, cozy living area...and maybe I bought a coat tree to hang hats and coats on that even has an umbrella holder...and maybe I bought a groovy vinyl record player that converts the records to MP3 that can be put onto your i Pod...oh and did I mention my Peugeot cruising' bike from the 1960's to ride around downtown and to and from the Farmer's Market? And some pictures to hang on my wall in my bedroom of the Taj Mahal and Italy? Quite a spree I say. I am not done either...I still need a bookshelf and a record stand so I am planning on hitting up a few local vintage, consignment shops this weekend. My apartment is moving up a notch on the groovy scale. : )

Bright idea.

IDEA: buy a cool Polaroid-like camera... and take one picture a day....for one year...........yep. I think I am on to something...

next song I am going to learn on the banjo

Why I love my job.

I have one of the coolest jobs on planet earth. I work in a Level I Trauma Center (this means we get everything from motorcycle/car accidents to gun shot wounds- all the really bad/cool stuff). I am a Critical Care Tech... which means I hook you up to the telemetry monitor, cut your clothes off every now and then, start IV's and draw your blood (we are fondly called vampires, and we are the best at IV's...the other floors call us when they can't get one), we do CPR sometimes...we shock people too...we put splints on broken things...we help doctors do really cool things... like put in chest tubes and central lines....even crack chests...and help the nurses do really cool things too....we do tons of cool stuff...everything but give medications... but if I have a really cool nurse, sometimes I even get to do that... and the learning opportunities are unparalleled to any other medical job. The only comparable job would be in the ICU.

Working in such an environment, you see a lot of crazy things...a lot of sad things... you see the best and worst of humanity. I have seen a lot of drug seekers...overdoses...addicts...psychotics... I have seen people die... young and old... I have seen people almost die...and I have seen people save them... literally save them....I have seen people learn that they are now paralyzed...people with a head injury or a stroke that will leave them an entirely different person...I have seen lives completely and forever changed because of one decision...one little yes or no...or a simple twist of fate...

I have seen hearts break......I have seen people, with broken hearts already, on their last cry out for help before they take their own life...some just crying out for attention...some genuinely hopeless and ready to end it all.....and then it breaks my heart...but we help them too...

I have seen love... like the real true kind...when a wife anxiously stands outside the room while you are trying to care for her husband who is having a heart attack at that very moment...I have seen husbands and wives support each other at through some of the most difficult and scary moments of their lives probably...and I have seen husbands still love their wives with all their heart and soul...even when they are old, wrinkly, and keep peeing their pants. : )

I have taken care of people I don't really like... and people that I fall in love with...I easily fall in love with old people... I try to be nice to all of them....and sometimes...especially when you work a lot, you start to get cynical...the ER can just do that to you if you let it.

There isn't a day I am not challenged as an individual....and how you treat other people is a huge indicator of who you really are... I have found though, that the nicer I am to others... when I find something positive about them...when I have a little empathy... I am a much happier person.. I like myself more..sometimes that takes more effort than others. You try washing the blood off of someone that is not a good person (like a drunk thug from West Valley that crashed into another family's car) or cleaning up a wet bed from someone who is faking seizures...people/patients aren't always nice, or sane for that matter.......it's a weird dynamic..but you do it... and try to do it with a smile. It gets easier when you consider the fact that these people probably haven't had much love in their lives... and that's probably why they are how they are...so you just open up your heart for a minute...

I work with the most amazing, smartest people in the world...the doctors, residents, nurses, and techs....all amazing...Every unit in the hospital has a different personality. The ER personality is of course the adrenaline seekers...the cyclists, climbers, granola/nature loving folk, mountain bikers, skier and snowboard crowd, and, of course, sky diving, cliff jumpers. Needless to say, they are all cool and if I had to pick, I would say the best looking too...not like that matters...but still. : )

Most of the doctors are really funny people...really down to Earth...and they are right there all the time. It's not like on the floor where you have to page them to come to you. So you end up getting really close with a lot of them and they let you do cool things with them; like intubating (if they really like you). They will teach you things about diseases, meds, and procedures too...they always are willing to answer questions.

The nurses are the hardest working, dedicated, and talented people I have ever seen. They are damn good at what they do, and they have pride in their career. The techs I work with are equally amazing. If I were to ever, god forbid, have an unfortunate event happen to me, I would come to my hospital; no question. I have seen everyone in action and I stand back in complete awe and amazement most of the time. It's an honor to work with these people... truly.

After seeing what we see and doing what we do, it's only natural to have really strong bonds with each other....So when there is a little down time, that makes for a really fun night of laughter and silliness. I will never forget disco stocking parties...midnight frozen yogurt/tater tot runs...and balancing cups on head walking down the hall. I feel at home at work sometimes... I see my friends..we have fun together....we work hard together... we talk about life...we support each other... sometimes I like hanging out with work friends more than I do school or life friends...

Night shifts are fun too...it's where most of the action is. The morning after a night shift can be magic too...Some of the most beautiful sunrises I have ever seen have been driving home from work at 7 am after a long 12 hour night shift... And I am just grateful....grateful to see the sunrise, grateful for the fact I get to finally go to sleep, grateful for my life, and grateful for how far I have come.......and mostly grateful for the cool journey that I am on... because it just keeps getting better... and I am grateful to have one more day on this little planet.

Snippet of the Jerk

From my most favorite funny movie...If someone learned this song on the ukulele and sang it to me I'd probably marry them....right up until where it starts getting awkward...I could do without that....

The Jerk....if you haven't seen it...you could possibly be a square.

"Deliberately Sidewinding Through The Pantheon Of Slippery Understanding"

The day it all went wrong...but right.

Typically, on a day that transpired like the day I am about to tell you about, I would have freaked out, high anxiety, with impending doom mentality...but I didn't... I did exactly the opposite and let the events occur as they may....and just let go of all control and worry.....and it turned out to be memorable.

It all began when I jumped in my car, already running late for work (of course), and rockets do not lift off, engine does not turn over.... no go... I tried to call in for backup, but backup (Mom) is not answering her phone. Hmmm.... so I decide to call work and inform them I will be riding Trax and that I will be late.

I don't ride Trax very often, especially not South which requires a transfer downtown. So when it came time to transfer, naturally, I hopped on the wrong train and started heading back exactly the way I came... I kind of laughed to myself...never getting angry or anxious....

I got off at the next stop to give try again at this transfer thing...while waiting I befriended a little homeless girl and mom. She asked me if I was a doctor because I was in my nurse scrubs. I told her no I wasn't a doctor that I was even cooler than that because I was a nurse. She was very friendly and told me all about how she hates shots. It was a very pleasant and unusual encounter. It made me smile.

While waiting for the correct train on Main Street Station I did some serious people watching. I was already 40 minutes late for work...but I wasn't sweating it...there was nothing I could do really, other than go with it....the people watching was great though.....

There was this couple from the Netherlands trying to navigate the city. It was interesting not being the "tourist" and being the "local" being looked at with new eyes.

After a successful Sandy train boarding, I was South bound on my way to the hospital. All I had on me were my car keys, my debit card, and my trauma shears...no wallet with student ID (trax pass)....I wasn't worried though because the Trax police never board and check... right???

So I am sure you can imagine my surprise when the Trax police boarded and started asking people for their tickets....I never really got anxious or worried... I just accepted the fact that I am probably going to get a hundred some odd dollar ticket and surrendered to my stupidity of not bringing my pass... and then.... the police man looked at me......just looked at me...and kept walking. Didn't even ask me!? And those guys are rumored to be complete jerk-offs when it comes to their ticket giving... I was completely amazed at my luck!

I did some more observing the vast expanse of humanity on that train. A lot of poor people...minorities...homeless...The little girl next to me was very proud to inform her Dad that her foot was asleep.......he was very concerned....and very relieved when she later informed him it was "waking back up now"..... It doesn't matter what or who you are... love is the same in all shapes, sizes, and colors......

I made my exit when I got a visual on my hospital. . . Part of being late was that I missed a CPR re-certification pass off class. This pass off was not to be held again until December. I would be in huge trouble if I did not renew my CPR card (with work and nursing school--->like suspended in trouble)....but I didn't stress about it...

Some magic intervention in time just so happened to place me getting off the elevator and walking into the ER at the exact same time and the CPR pass off instructor Chris was leaving the room with all his supplies... I didn't even know what room he was going to be in, and the pass off was long over, I thought...we saw each other and he offered to pass me off right then and there. Crisis averted! Done.... all problems resolved... and resolved themselves without me freaking out and trying to take control of the situation....I just went along for the ride and it was much more fun that way...Walked in to work...didn't even get into trouble.. and had a great night taking care of patients...

Definitely not my typical 10 minute, solitary commute to work... But it felt like I was exactly where I needed to be at the exactly the right times...except for work of course.. but who needs to be at work anyway right? Magic.

This too will pass.

Once you see and accept the transience of all things and the inevitability of change, you can enjoy the pleasures of the world while they last without fear of loss or anxiety about the future.

When you are detached, you gain a higher vantage point from which to view the events in your life instead of being trapped inside them. You become like an astronaut who sees the planet Earth surrounded by the vastness of space and realizes the paradoxical truth: The Earth is precious and at the same time insignificant. The recognition that This too, will pass brings detachment and with detachment another dimension comes into your life--inner space.

Through detachment, as well as nonjudgment and inner nonresistance, you gain access to that dimension. It comes as a stillness, a subtle peace deep within you, even in the face of something seemingly bad.

-Eckhart Tolle

One of life's quiet excitements is to stand somewhat apart from yourself and watch yourself softly becoming the author of something beautiful, even if it is only a floating ash.

-Norman Maclean

Do you have room in your heart?

For the 5 string long neck Gibson banjo? I do. (new strings for my love, learning some Avett Brothers and soon some Tom Waits.)

When I grow up...

This is what I will be singing about when I grow up. Nurse Anesthesia. Making bank to make you sleep....(thanks Seely!)

Stress me out and pay the consequences!!!

A look inside the world of what happens when Natasha gets stressed out... (thanks Nels!)

New eyes.

I can't believe how many times I have walked around downtown SLC and never really seen it. Spencer came over to get me out of my house and outside...and we had ourselves a photo excursion. He borrowed my digi and I shot with my film Holga... so I have to give all the photo credit to Spence (almost all).. and he did a bang up job! dang...
We walked down streets we've never walked down, saw things we had already seen before with a whole different perspective. And captured the beauty... It's alllll about perspective.
We stuffed our faces with delicious subs, Neils showed up (he's that mysterious appearing/disappearing guy), a legit vinyl record player howling Beirut happened, and the day ended with a stint on top of Neils's old apartment complex rooftop overlooking the whole city...vegging on some lawn chairs because those few hours walking around nearly killed me! (I have noooo energy, it's weird) ... I saw the first elevator ever made in SLC, it was old... I took a photo of it with my Holga... the elevator reminded me of the ones in Budapest...with the rail door you can see the floors as you go up and down... Great day! I am lucky to have great friends.

Night walk, night talk, and a movie...

So I will always remember this magic night...

Back in the action.

Today I had to go to my nursing clinical... and it was in the Operating Room. I was glad for that because there is not much patient care and should make for an easy day. I still haven't been feeling 100% but I can't miss a clinical... Well.... it made for an incredible day!!!

I was in the OBGYN room. It was extreme lithotomy position to the max.... and lots of female under parts... couldn't see much of what was going on because there weren't any open surgeries....

The nurse was showing me what he does; which consists of grabbing supplies, counting things, charting...didn't look like the nursing career path for me... no action at all. I was starting to get bored.

So, the 4th year medical student anesthesiologist boy kept looking at me..and he was cute mind you...and he looked friendly enough so I went over and started asking questions about the volatile gases they give for general anesthesia...then the actual Anesthesiologist started chatting me up.

Turns out he was an ER doctor for 8 years, but decided to pursue this because he was starting to not like himself and becoming very cynical about life and people. (I completely empathize with that because I see it in myself and others in my current position in the ER). So we started talking trauma talk, and I think I got major respect because they both had my back the whole rest of the day.

The Anesthesiologist, Scott (first name basis and everything yo!), walked me step by step through every drug he pushes, vital signs, what he is looking for, intubating, let me look at the vocal chords, introduced me to other Anesthesiologists, told me about Nurse Anesthesia... he was incredibly generous with his knowledge and very gracious to me.

PS- I was rattling off all these drugs and terminology and he was super impressed. He announced to the surgeon and whole OR that I know more things than the medical students that rotate through and that I was a smart cookie (not in such terms but you get it)...
THAT felt good!

He has got a sweet gig I will tell you that, and all the Anesthesiologists I met seem very happy and content. Most importantly, they were nice to others and their patients.... which is huge to me. GREAT DAY!

Dear Paul,

Thank you for making such awesome movies...It all started with Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, Cool Hand Luke...and you just keep bringin' it with HudsuckerProxy.... you are a gentleman, a humanitarian, and HOT! And you loved your woman. Bam! Hope you are happy up there in heaven...You deserve it.

Love always,

Natasha

Listen.

It amazes me how such a small little fella can make such beautiful music in the night. The other evening, I was turning in for a bit of shut eye. I was engulfed in soft blankets. My head felt light upon my feather pillows, but my heart was feeling heavy...

The washing machine was humming, overpowering the night's whispers. Then suddenly, it stopped, gave one last final victory buzz, and I was bathed in the pure silence of the darkness.

I just listened...There were the usual hums and creaks an old house naturally releases as it settles in for a night of slumber....and then....soft music outside my window....and it grew louder and louder and louder....

Beautiful music....The kind that only nature herself can make. The sweet melodical chirping of a little insect we call a cricket. I am so used to being around crickets and knowing they are there that I sometimes forget to really listen and appreciate what they are. A small insect opens his wings and does this...

"The chirping sound is created by running the top of one wing along the teeth at the bottom of the other wing. As he does this, the cricket also holds the wings up and open, so that the wing membranes can act as acoustical sails."

I envisioned that cricket in my mind. He and his friends were putting on a concert for me. It was deafeningly magical....It was pure, it was beautiful, and it was mine forever. It gave me peace and I was grateful to be alive...I thanked him and the universe... and with a warm heart I drifted off to sleep.

Thank you for making me feel human again.
I needed that.

Now this....this makes me happy...everytime....

1 in 150,000

It has been a crazy week full of two trips to the ER....my head doing it's best to impersonate Hitch...full body urticaria...abdominal pain...worries...wondering...two more trips to a family doc...lots of blood test...lab work...questions...more questions...

Initially they thought it was an allergic reaction to something...but now Dr. Wood seems to think it's something a bit more serious. HAE C1 inhibitor protein deficiency... it's a super rare genetic disease (1 in 150,000), very interesting...

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1804208/

After some prying into a side of the family I don't have much contact with, I found out my cousin has been diagnosed with the same thing. Certain things trigger an attack; things like stress (nursing school and work), high estrogen levels (birth control and pregnancy), alcohol (Thanks Barlow! : P ) , trauma, infection, surgery, etc... His triggers were drinking and stress. Since he has gotten those under control he hasn't had an attack in a few years. Which is great news.

So I have quit taking my birth control which is probably a good thing anyway. (Added hormones to your body can never be much of a good thing--> cancer) Can't get pregnant without risking an attack and my airway closing off... Looks as though I will be adding vasectomy to the boyfriend criteria list. : )

Good news! I found out today at the doctor's office that the C1 infusion treatment I thought they only had in Europe and Argentina is now here in the United States. And if I were to have an acute attack with airway closure, they would hopefully have some on hand to give me. It's not that common so it just depends where I am...but at least a trach or death isn't imminent. The other good news is that I know about it and I can avoid doing things that trigger it.

The doctor did freak me out by saying it's NOT a good thing to have...the treatments are expensive..($100,000 a year depending on the severity) and it sucks..that within 15 minutes my airway could swell up and epi doesn't work...trach and breathing support do...or shitty testosterone pills for prophylaxis that kills your liver and make you grow hair in places it doesn't belong (no way! not taking!) ...and he is making me stay with my parents until we know I am in the clear...grrr....and I have definitely had my moments of being sad, worried, emotional, angry... but I think it could always be worse. At least I don't have AIDS or some other crazy disease. My quality of life can still be what it was before...and knowing that you may not have forever to live will force me to live my life to the fullest everyday...because there is no time to get sucked into the dark abyss or feel sorry for yourself...and not appreciate the beauty of life...not even just for me but for everyone. Tomorrow is not a guarantee!!!

No more drinking...oh how I love a good beer though...no more freaking out about getting straight A's in school, no more freaking out period, no more stress, simplify, focus on staying healthy, yoga, keep my body in balance and in the best shape possible.... There are always good things that come from something bad, even if you can't see it right away. Hard things force change and growth.

Things like traveling to crazy foreign countries to deliver vaccines and give medical help will have another layer of concern...but I am still going to go...because anything could happen really, at any time. I can't live my life in fear and not follow my dreams and my heart.

The important thing is to not take anyone or anything for granted. Including your health...Don't sit on your butt ever. Do things. Explore the world. Find everything and everybody beautiful in the world and soak it all in. Appreciate it. Appreciate your life. Smell things and listen. Don't get sucked into the routine and become a robot. Don't live your life for other people. Live.

And appreciate your friends and family. Don't take your people for granted! I have been amazed at the love and comfort people have given me though this whole thing. People you least expect. So thank you so much!!! The littlest things have meant the most. I love you all.

Great Expectations

I took her hand in mine, and we went out of the ruined place; and, as the morning mists had risen long ago when I first left the forge, so, the evening mists were rising now, and in all the broad expanse of tranquil light they showed to me, I saw no shadow of another parting from her...

Last lines of novel as Pip takes Estella's hand and they walk together, Chapter 59.

"It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you're not."
-Andre Gide

In the end, she eats him...

Sweet Mortality

People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone's capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn't work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

A fate that never turns aside

To do things "railroad fashion" is now the by-word; and it is worth the while to be warned so often and so sincerely by any power to get off its track. There is no stopping to read the riot act, no firing over the heads of the mob, in this case. We have constructed a fate, Atropos, that never turns aside. (Let that be the name of your engine.) Men are advertised that at a certain hour and minute these bolts will be shot toward particular points of the compass; yet it interferes with no man's business, and the children go to school on the other track. We live the steadier for it. We are all educated thus to be sons of Tell. The air is full of invisible bolts. Every path but your own is the path of fate. Keep on your own track then.

-Walden