My Death

I have often thought of you death...

when my soul will return.
.........floating...........
...undulating, pulsating...
waves push me closer to the sky,
and gently lay me down
...lovingly...
Igniting a chain reaction,
with every intention and motion of my body,
my arms, my hands, my feet, my toes
shooting stars in the salty sea.
Blinking orbs on the beach,
the watchful eye of the moon.
...a billion burning suns...
Jungle songs and nesting turtles,
in a trance, continuum.
life, music
surrounded
in the darkness of the night,
so ALIVE,
.bright.
a universe inside a universe
infinite
my soul lives here now.

Creation: From Beginning to End

Quantum fluctuation. Inflation. Expansion. Strong nuclear interaction. Particle-antiparticle annihilation. Deuterium and helium production. Density perturbations. Recombination. Blackbody radiation. Local contraction. Cluster formation. Reionization? Violent relaxation. Virialization. Biased galaxy formation? Turbulent fragmentation. Contraction. Ionization. Compression. Opaque hydrogen. Massive star formation. Deuterium ignition. Hydrogen fusion. Hydrogen depletion. Core contraction. Envelope expansion. Helium fusion. Carbon, oxygen, and silicon fusion. Iron production. Implosion. Supernova explosion. Metals injection. Star formation. Supernova explosions. Star formation. Condensation. Planetesimal accretion. Planetary differentiation. Crust solidification. Volatile gas expulsion. Water condensation. Water dissociation. Ozone production. Ultraviolet absorption. Photosynthetic unicellular organisms. Oxidation. Mutation. Natural selection and evolution. Respiration. Cell differentiation. Sexual reproduction. Fossilization. Land exploration. Dinosaur extinction. Mammal expansion. Glaciation. Homo sapiens manifestation. Animal domestication. Food surplus production. Civilization! Innovation. Exploration. Religion. Warring nations. Empire creation and destruction. Exploration. Colonization. Taxation without representation. Revolution. Constitution. Election. Expansion. Industrialization. Rebellion. Emancipation Proclamation. Invention. Mass production. Urbanization. Immigration. World conflagration. League of Nations. Suffrage extension. Depression. World conflagration. Fission explosions. United Nations. Space exploration. Assassinations. Lunar excursions. Resignation. Computerization. World Trade Organization. Terrorism. Internet expansion. Reunification. Dissolution. World-Wide Web creation. Composition. Extrapolation?

Photo Essay: Uncovering Sacred Spaces Around The World

Photo Essay: Uncovering Sacred Spaces Around The World

For someone I love...

Carl Jung is my homeboy...

Jung's work on himself and his patients convinced him that life has a spiritual purpose beyond material goals. Our main task, he believed, is to discover and fulfill our deep innate potential, much as the acorn contains the potential to become the oak, or the caterpillar to become the butterfly. Based on his study of Christianity, Hinduism, Buddhism, Gnosticism, Taoism, and other traditions, Jung perceived that this journey of transformation, which he called individuation, is at the mystical heart of all religions. It is a journey to meet the self and at the same time to meet the Divine. Unlike Sigmund Freud, Jung thought spiritual experience was essential to our well-being.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carl_Jung
(kind of in love with this guy)

Biggest compliment in my life...

Last night I had my yearly employee evaluation. Things went really well. My boss, Terri, went down on through the list....saying whether I met the expectations or exceed expectations. I got two exceeds expectations or "high met" to get technical (which are really difficult to get). I was really happy about that. It is really validating to work so hard, and feel like it is at least acknowledged and appreciated.

I know my boss likes me alright...I do my job, I am on time, I stay out of trouble... She is very serious when she is on the floor and doesn't show much emotion. She is all business...and I really want her respect, but you definitely have to earn it from her... so when she got to the end of my evaluation where she gets to write in her opinion/comments of us I was completely surprised...

She told me that if she could clone me and my heart she would..and then she started crying and said that I am always so "nice", to everybody, that patients and coworkers love me, and that "who I am will touch lives beyond what I am able to understand"...and that even though I work in the ER, which so often ruins people, makes them cynical...I am still me and it's just who I am inside...and that I haven't lost who I am...and she wishes she could have that sometimes...

But the biggest thing she said to me was that "I was Jane Powers-esque"...

If you don't know who Jane Powers is... well... she is my hero... my nurse hero, my how to treat others hero, and how to live your life hero... Jane is a beautiful, walking, talking, bundle of light and love... her presence is powerful and she makes you feel like you are the most important, special person in the world. She treats EVERYONE (seriously EVERYONE) with so much compassion and love that is blows your mind. People love her. EVERYONE loves her...even people she just meets. she puts people at ease... she is always so POSITIVE...the ultimate optimist..she touches lives everyday just by being her... People look up to her... and people want to be her. She is always happy and smiling...she is always in the present moment... and she is amazing... I have written a paper about her before. she is so influential to me and everyone that knows her... AND SHE IS LIKE THAT EVERYDAY! I have never seen her not being a perfectly lovely human...she runs free medical clinics, she is a true humanitarian, and to even have someone put us in the same category/vicinity as her is probably the biggest, utmost important compliment in my life.

... someday I hope to be just like her...and Dr. Emam....(he is the boy version of Jane) ...even if I could be half of her.... that would be awesome and I would feel like I lived my life right.

If you see her say hello...

Just taught myself this on the banjo... now just need to learn the words and perfect it.

Cotton Jones. i Found it. i love it

Here I come!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just bought my ticket to Cuzco, Peru.....26 nights in South America... a continent I have never been to before...doing some medical volunteering in a clinic, orphanages, and where ever else they may need help. Planning on traveling around as well... climbing Machu Picchu... Lake Titicaca...perhaps some jungle...shamans....It'll be so interesting to see how the locals celebrate the holidays, New Year is going to be tops, and to spend these special times with new friends...
MAGIC!
Total miles traveled =4,699 round trip all by myself!!!
Can't wait for this adventure!!!!

Flowers? For me?!?!?

This is the second time flowers have appeared on my porch.
Not that I am complaining or anything.
: )

60 Things I can't live without...

The other day in class, Ashley passed a note between me and a friend asking him and me what we can't live without... we 3 filled it out...it was humorous...I didn't put much thought into what I had written down, and I have been thinking about it ever since... so here is my updated list in no specific order:

1-hot sauce
2-boys playing guitars...
3-my droid
4-soft lit sexy lamps (like you see all over Poland)
5-banjo
6-rain
7-super soft blankets and pillows
8-helping people
9-adventure/traveling
10- my mountain bike
11-my cameras (Holga, Lomo, Canon, Lumix) and my film
12-MUSIC (finding, sharing, giving, loving, dancing, feeling...)
13-My record player... shopping for vinyl in little, eclectic shops
14-The Alchemist
15-long showers
16-getting your hair shampooed and scalp/neck massaged
17-dark chocolate and peanut butter
18-bourbon and good beer
19-hope
20-sunsets
21- watching airplanes and clouds
22- wild flowers
23- dresses (I would wear a dress everyday if I could)
24- authentic Italian food/Pecorino cheese/gelato/olive oil
25- Backgammon with Millie
26- love...kissing.....passion
27- Oh, The Places You Will Go by Dr. Seuss
28- stars
29- feeling loved.
30- vintage shop hopping
31- beans.... in any form...any kind.. black, pinto, garbanzo...
32- Boots and scarves!
33- Music festivals/concerts/shows
34- deep, meaningful conversations
35- the feeling of driving long distances with music blaring...freedom...
36- cold pizza
37- laughing so hard you cry/being a dork
38- phosphorescence and fire flies
39- riding bikes to Gallivan Shows and Farmer's Market
40- seeing/hearing/feeling the ocean
41- the feeling of buying a plane ticket to somewhere you have never been
42- yoga
43- "the golden hour"
44- the feeling that all is right in the universe just by being and absorbing the beauty around you
45- taking care of really special patients in the hospital and the life lessons I learn from them
46- feeling like you just kicked some serious ass at something difficult
47- Taoism
48- thunder and lightening storms
49- grandma's coffee cake/the smell of coffee
50- my mom's canned salsa, peaches, sweet jalapenos
51- my mom... I love her so much
52- Ebay's show (10am-2pm M-F) on KRCL and just KRCL in general
53- the feeling of a soft new hoodie
54- runners high
55- studying at coffee shops- Blue Star especially
56- sparklers
57-the way you feel after hiking up a mountain and reaching the tippy top
58-... (I am a big ... user in my writing)
59-my passport
60-candles

What did YOU do last night?

I had friends over...we ate home-made pizza...we drank beers and pineapple wine....we lit sparklers on my porch...we played banjo and guitar...and we went to the DRUM BUS!!!! The drum bus goes around to schools so kids get a chance to have music in their lives...it is filled with all kinds of instruments and drums made in Africa by these ladies in a little village. So it's supporting them and all the children in the valley who don't have music programs in their schools anymore. We hijacked it... and we are thinking of hijacking it forever and making friends all over the world with it. Music brings people together.
It was an amazing night with amazing people.
Thank you luvs.

Abuse

Took care of a girl last night that had gotten kicked full force in the ribs by her boyfriend of 5 years who also happened to be a UFC fighter. She was very pretty, tiny little thing. I am sure she could have her pick of other eligible guys....but she stays with this one.....I asked her if it had happened before or if this was the first time. She told me that he has hit her before, but that it's never been this bad as this time. I asked if he was going to be demoted to ex-boyfriend, and she said, "but we have been together for 5 years!"

When in God's name did the length of time you have been in a relationship with someone qualify you for continuing to stay with that person, even if the relationship isn't healthy or good for you???

Why do girls put up with so much bullshit from guys? They are just guys!?! Nothing special. Why do girls suffer so much to be with one guy? We give and give and give... and get cheated on, lied to, talked down to in return.

Are we really that afraid to be alone? I used to be...and I got out of a marriage that wasn't right...I got a divorce. Whoopty doo... 1/2 of America is doing it...it really sucked... and then life goes on... and now I love being single. I love my life more than I ever have... and I thank God every day I am still not in that relationship...it brought out the worst in me..even though I hurt my ex, and all families involved, and myself....I am really thankful for where I am today. I have traveled all over the world, earned 2 Bachelors degrees, grown so much as a person, grew into the person I wanted to be....and the doors keep opening to the future and I can walk through worry free, without getting crap from anyone else. If I had stayed all I see is a dark cloud over my life....me living for someone else...convincing myself I am happy because I don't' know anything different and I am too scared...the most haunting thing is that I envisioned myself as an old woman with a lot of regrets...and I wish I would have's...then you stay married for so long and have kids..you can get to a point where you are stuck....it's eerie but while you are in it you can't see it!!! That's what is even creepier!

Abuse doesn't have to be purely physical. It can be someone making you feel like shit over the smallest things, someone who holds you back, that makes you feel guilty for living your dreams, that beats you down and gets you so insecure so you will never leave, someone blatantly lying to your face, continuing to lie, someone who always puts his own wants and needs first, someone who doesn't respect you....or treat you with respect. Why would anyone want to stay in a relationship like that? I don't get it.

I get being alone is scary, it's scaring dating again, it's just scary...but everything always works out and life goes on... and usually you grow as a human being in leaps and bounds....and who you are blossoms into this lovely person without any hint of codependency or dependency on another boy for your identity.

Nothing is more pathetic to me than a girl who likes everything her partner likes, does only the things her partner does, doesn't have own opinions, and basically loses all the things that make her her own beautiful person. Every sentence begins with, "Me and ________ do this or think this...." What about YOU!!?!?!? WHo are you!? Guys don't find that attractive either... Even if he is the fill in the blank. It's crazy to me that we let guys do that to us.

Relationships take effort... I get it... But if they are really THAT difficult and complicated and blah blah blah... maybe you are in the wrong relationship. Wake up!

There are people who identify with struggling and being unhappy... they act like they are victims to circumstance when they have created everything in their life. And then they dwell on it for years... wait for some grandiose revelation about things that never comes...when they should just make a choice to change their attitude and be happy NOW...get rid of all the bad people and shit in their lives... and move on to the life they want. the NOW is all we have and all that matters...you fix the NOW you fix the future...

I think I made my point. Had to vent..... The End.

Mandatory Listening for Monday

Epiphanies:or just remembering things you already knew but forgot

Some things the desert made me realize:

1- you should always Love without condition/attachment

2- How out of touch with nature I am. When I was little I used to live outdoors...riding my horse bareback in the mountains by myself, hiking in the mountains, sleeping under the stars all summer, camping, exploring...never was I afraid of anything!

Now I am older and always in the city....and even though I try to get out in the great wide open as much as possible, I am so out of touch with the natural world...the sounds...the animals...the feeling of being so small. The unknown summons fear, and I hate feeling afraid of something I used to love so much...I miss feeling connected with the animals, plants, water, air, night....now I feel like an old estranged lover coming back and expecting everything to be the way it was... the only solution is more exposure and time......

I wonder if my senses are just on overload...when I am camping or hiking I feel so many strong emotions at the same time....joy, awe, love, fear, happiness, peace...perhaps my senses that have been on the back burner are just coming alive again. That is a good thing.

3- I remembered how to listen to my heart...

4-We are not victims of circumstance, we create our lives....we are 100% responsible for the way our lives are and how we choose to view life...whether it is good or bad...positive or negative.

5-I am a tiny small dot in time in relation to existence and the universe...

...World Peace....

I believe that to meet the challenges of our times, human beings will have to develop a greater sense of universal responsibility. Each of us must learn to work not just for one self, one's own family or one's nation, but for the benefit of all humankind. Universal responsibility is the key to human survival. It is the best foundation for world peace. _Dalai Lama

Going South.

I am off to the beautiful Desert of Southern Utah... what a gem of a state we live in. So many National Parks encapsulating so much mind blowing beauty. It makes me happy to live so close to these places that basically take up half of our lower state....it's like having the best playground you could ever imagine right in your backyard, with hieroglyphs from Native Americans, delicate, unworldly Arches that have been forever kissed and shaped by the wind, and rock so red that you feel like you are on Mars. Yes, I am so happy to go South for a week... to feel nature...to feel free...and to feel alive.

We are headed first to Moab for some camping, hiking, and climbing.. We will be hitting Arches National Park, Dead Horse Point, and do some climbing.

After Moab, we are heading to Escalante and then to Bryce Canyon...........which are new places that I have never seen before...we are going to do some hiking and hopefully backpack up a trail one night and pitch our tent...

Or we may do the trip in reverse order.. we don't really have a set plan...... which is also really cool. One thing we do have is delicious, yummy, healthy, organic food...probably too much food... but that's okay.

Here's to finding your soul in the Desert...under the stars and big sky.

I don't dare breath until the end.

Weapon of Choice: Bumblebee vs Drumstick

Oatmeal, green tea, and Ella on vinyl were all the makings of a cozy Sunday morning.... I opened up my patio door to let in all the morning light and that fresh autumn air, when a little bumblebee decided to join me for breakfast...

At first he scared me because he rushed in, getting all up close and personal...A bumblebee has never decided to come in unannounced before. It's usually the occasional fly or moth....so when the bumble bee came in I was on guard and the adrenaline was flowing!

I ran out of the kitchen and into the living room to take cover.....looking for a weapon of sorts. The bumblebee didn't have any intentions of leaving soon, so I decided to chase him out. My eye lay upon a signed drumstick I had acquired at a Gym Class Heroes concert a few years back (before they started sucking)(that's what she said) I grabbed it thinking it should do the trick. It was long and also a hard (that's what she said)...

I reentered my kitchen armed and ready for a fight....I made my first attack swing to get the little bee's attention... well, that just royally ticked him off... this was turning into a major territorial battle... A joust ensued....I felt like I was in The Princess Bride. "Hello my name is Natasha Hilton. You entered my kitchen. Prepare to die." Bzzzz bzzzzzz bzzzz.

And for a moment, I stepped outside of myself to realize how ridiculous I looked... fighting off a little tiny bee with a drumstick...listening to old Jazz music...tea kettle whistling...just when the notion of ridiculousness struck me, I heard a "BAP!"..my drumstick met my bee like a bat meets a ball....and my little opponent was struck down to my linoleum floor.....

He was injured... oh the guilt...I never intended to harm any bees this morning.... or flies... or anyone or anything for that matter....I just wanted to chase him out the door...I didn't think I would actually be able to hit the thing...I was just flinging the drumstick wildly back and forth with terrible form and lack luster technique!

I gently picked him up with a paper towel and put him in my flower box on my patio...."sorry little fella," was all I could say..."Next time I will try to pummel something my own size with a drumstick."